How to Find Yourself Again After Motherhood
Finding yourself after motherhood and going on a journey of self-discovery is something that you can do at any point in your motherhood journey. I’ve spoken to mums at the beginning of their motherhood journey in the last trimester of pregnancy who have already started to feel the identity shift that was brewing and what they wanted their life to look like. Then when you’ve had your baby postpartum identity loss from the physical, mental and emotional changes that are happening in your body can lead to you asking how do you find yourself again after you’ve lost yourself in motherhood?
There can be a sense of guilt that comes up in different aspects of motherhood which can include prioritising your needs and what you want. When you’re carrying the mental load and putting everyone’s needs before your own it can feel like you're being selfish when you want to focus on yourself. However, you’re not being selfish and if the feeling of guilt comes up you can notice this feeling and where you feel it in your body. This can help you acknowledge how you’re feeling without trying to get rid of it. Then you can let the feeling go and return your focus to what you’re doing in that present moment, it can be noticing your breathing or using your senses to tune into your surroundings.
In this blog post, I share how you can move through feeling like you’ve lost yourself in motherhood to rediscover yourself and reclaim your identity beyond motherhood.
Losing yourself after having a baby
How often have you thought about your old life since becoming a mum?
I've spoken to many mums over my 10+ years of working with mums and children and it's common to hear mums talking about how they've lost themselves after motherhood. The different transitions that happen when navigating being a mum and juggling what you want to do outside of motherhood can feel overwhelming.
Feeling like you've lost yourself after having a baby is common and knowing that the identity loss that you’re experiencing is normal can help you feel less alone with your journey.
After becoming a mum, I noticed how little I knew about the identity shift during matrescence and that it wasn’t something that I had heard being spoken about compared to the dialogue around physical changes in your body and things that you can see from outside.
The internal shifts and thought processes that happen aren’t always obvious until you see another mum online asking questions about their experience. Or when you speak to a mum at a group and you realise that other people have similar experiences to you. The identity transformation can often be more hidden which can make navigating identity loss feel like a struggle.
Navigating identity loss in motherhood
Many women realise they don't know who they are anymore outside of being a mother. I believe that this is because in motherhood, there are expectations that get put on you. That you put on yourself and/or externally from society.
Before motherhood you might have been someone who had a career that was your purpose and now all you think about at the end of the day is “have I given my kid enough fruit and veg?” and “did I play with my kid enough today?” This can mean that you notice that you’re going through an identity loss. Your identity from your old life is a distant memory yet you don’t know what your identity is beyond motherhood.
You can begin navigating identity loss in motherhood by accepting that you are the leader of your own life. Ultimately, you’re the only person who can decide what is right for your life.
When you find yourself in a position where you need to make a choice about your next step, you can practice listening to what your intuition is telling you. Instead of telling yourself you must be wrong or you can’t try and sit with what thoughts come up first and how you feel in your body at that present moment. You might notice if you try to push past your intuition or force yourself to do something that you know isn’t right for you, you’ll experience different sensations in your body.
When you don't follow your intuition you go against what you actually want. If you seek validation from outside yourself, and try to meet other people's expectations, you’ll end up making what everyone else thinks you should be doing as the basis of your decision and the measurement of your happiness.
Instead you can learn to build your self-acceptance and start the process of untangling your sense of worth to external factors that are outside of your control. Accepting everything that makes you you and not letting judgement cloud your sense of value in the world can help you build self-trust which can lead to you creating inner happiness.
You don’t need to keep trying to do what other people think you should be doing, you can start following your intuition and focus on learning to embrace your traits, qualities and everything that makes you unique while being kind towards yourself.
Reclaiming your sense of identity in motherhood
I've been working with mums and children for 10+ years and this is one of the things I noticed so many mums do is put what's important to them and what they want as an after thought and say "maybe one day".
Because taking care of everyone else's needs is exhausting and thinking about what you want and having the energy to start can feel impossible.
I know this as someone who thought the same, and is now on the other side, I realised that if I didn’t find small pockets of time and increase my energy that I would continue to feel exhausted and no further forward with finding my identity and sense of self beyond motherhood. If I'd waited for an unknown time in the future to focus on myself, I wouldn't have become a published children's author in less than one year of becoming a mum. With my debut book, Slow Down Amaya, being a finalist in the Ink Book Prize 2024.
When you tell yourself you need to wait to be ambitious again, however that looks for you, it can stop you from rediscovering what makes you excited and happy in life.
If you want to do something new after motherhood but you don't know where to start, you can start with this 1 thing:
“Ask yourself what do I value in life?”
List down the most important things to you in how you live your life. Think about an example for each. For instance, if you chose creativity you could write “I express how I'm feeling by writing down my thoughts so I can be more in the moment and stop doubting myself.”
Then ask yourself:
Am I living my life with these values as how I make decisions and generally go through life?
How could I do less or more of something to feel more connected to what's important to me to help me rediscover my passions, interests, purpose outside of being a mum?
After you’ve answered these questions, choose one action you can take today to move you forward with finding yourself again
Next Steps: How to find yourself again after motherhood
When you’re ready to start your journey of rediscovering your identity and finding yourself again after motherhood you can feel more connected to who you’re becoming. I can support you to help you explore what steps you can take that are intentional and from a place where you feel excited and motivated to become more like you every day.
Below are ways that we can work together:
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