Becoming a Mum Changes You
What is matresence?
The term ‘matresence’ is described as the process of becoming a mother. These are the psychological, emotional and physical changes¹ that mums experience in preparation for the transition to motherhood.²
From speaking with mums, and based on my personal experience, matrescence is a huge transformation that can often feel overwhelming. I had spent time during my pregnancy researching ways to prepare for birth and what would help me through the postpartum period. However, I hadn’t heard anyone talk, or found any books, about matrescence particularly focusing on the emotional and mental changes that happen in terms of the identity shift and the journey of becoming a new version of yourself.
I came to the realisation after becoming a mum that I felt a sense of identity loss. Previously, I had attached my sense of identity and worth to my career and what I did to personally develop. After years of working full time and having a routine for looking after myself physically and mentally, I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore outside of motherhood. The instant mental load that comes on top of all the hormonal changes happening in your body can make navigating the identity shift feel like an overwhelming challenge.
In this blog post I discuss how becoming a mum changes you specifically through the lens of the identity shift in motherhood.
Unravelling your sense of self
During matrescence you're adapting to your new life and role as a mother as your old life becomes a memory of who you used to be. and trying to piece together how you can shape your new life.
Motherhood transforms who you are on all levels. I feel like the process of metamorphosis can be symbolic to the journey through motherhood in all its stages.
When you’ve previously had a sense of knowing who you were and how you wanted to move through life the deep changes that you experience in matrescence can lead to feeling a sense of loss of who you are. Postpartum identity loss wasn’t something that I had even considered during my pregnancy. I felt excited and a bit nervous about what my life would look like after giving birth, I knew my responsibilities would change and my priorities would be different than before.
Yet, I didn’t anticipate the identity shift that came with motherhood.I hadn't heard anyone talking about it before despite working with mums and families for over 10 years. The identity shift after motherhood felt like a hidden aspect of becoming a mum that you don’t discover happens until you're experiencing it as a new mum. I started questioning who I was and what I actually wanted my life to look like. When I spoke to mums and mum and baby groups I realised there was a pattern that appeared in the conversations we had. They didn't know who they were anymore and they wondered how they could feel like a person outside of motherhood. Essentially find what lights them up and helps them feel like they had a sense of self beyond raising their child.
Reconnect to your values
This is the first thing that I discovered in my journey that can help you when you want to start finding yourself and your sense of self again in motherhood.
When you know what matters the most to you, you can assess whether the way you’re currently living your life is in accordance with what’s important to you. If there are gaps between how you feel and what you’re doing in your day-to-day life, compared to how you want to feel and live, this is when you can ask yourself “What are my values in life?”
Values are defined as “the beliefs people have, especially about what is right and wrong and what is most important in life, that control their behaviour.”
You can think about what you believe is important to you in your life now and what actions you can take to move forward using your values as the foundation. When you do this, it can help you feel more connected to yourself and be a step towards rediscovering yourself.
Missing your old life
Who you used to be and what you previously enjoyed can feel like a distant memory compared to how your life looks now.
During pregnancy your body went through internal and external changes that shape who you’re becoming in your new life.
It’s been found that “Profound biological and environmental changes mark the transition to motherhood as a major life event, reflecting an important developmental life stage for new mothers.”²
You might have started releasing layers of yourself that you decided you didn't want to carry with you when planning your new life. There may have been throughout your pregnancy when you thought “I don’t feel like me anymore.” Your journey was unique to you. Although every mother has a different experience of pregnancy the typical physiological changes that happen in the body will largely be the same.
The identity shift in motherhood might not have been in your mind much, if at all, during your pregnancy. Yet when you’re sitting in the morning having your breakfast trying to keep your eyes open after a sleepless night there might be times when you think “Is it normal to miss my old life?
Mindfulness in Motherhood
When you do have moments of missing your old life after having a baby try not to feel guilty about having these thoughts. It doesn’t mean that you don’t feel grateful for your life with your child now. You’re allowed to acknowledge how different your life is now and go through the postpartum grief that the parts of you that previously made you feel like you have faded.
To allow you to not get too caught up in dwelling on the past, because you can’t go back to or change the past you only have the present, you can try noticing the thoughts that come up and acknowledging they’re there as thoughts. Then, let them pass and return your attention to what you are experiencing in the present moment. This could be using your senses to feel grounded in the moment, a daily activity such as when brushing your teeth, or noticing how your body feels when lying down in bed after a long day. By becoming more mindful in your life you can develop self-compassion towards yourself as you start letting go of judging yourself for having the thoughts that come into your mind.
If there are feelings and/or emotions that you want to feel that you miss from your old life, and you don’t have them as often as you would like in motherhood, you can think about what specific thing it was about the experience that created that feeling and/or emotion.
Think about what could help you create that feeling or emotion in a new way in your life now, you can think back to your values when doing this. Then think of at least one action you can take today to move you closer to experiencing the feeling/emotion that you want to create.
Rediscovering yourself in motherhood
The self-discovery journey of finding yourself again can be a gradual process that can take time. What feels important to you can and will change at different points throughout your life in your personal and professional life. It’s been discussed that “Until recently, it has been believed that the changes of pregnancy, birth and lactation fully resolve in the postpartum period. While the biological changes may resolve over time, the environmental and behavioral changes of motherhood are likely to continue throughout the lifespan.”²
You can become aware of what actions you want to take and what spaces you put yourself in and reflect on if they are beneficial for you and your stage of life and become more intentional about where you give your time and energy.
When you’re going through a mental checklist of everything you need to do this week and it feels like you never scratch the surface of the household chores, scheduling your families appointments, thinking about how you’re going to finish everything you need to do at work I want to remind you that it’s not possible to do it all at the same time. Especially if you have limited childcare and don’t have the village of support that many mothers used to have years ago.
Finding yourself in motherhood can be taking small steps to regain your confidence in yourself and building your self-belief that you can be who you want to be and try something new in life to lead you back to returning home to yourself. It doesn’t need to be doing a huge life overhaul by changing everything about your life. Instead you can identify what things move you one step closer to living by what matters to you the most and makes you feel like you again.
Conclusion: Becoming a mum changes you
Becoming a mum fundamentally changes who you are as a person. Although this sometimes isn’t a process that you’ll have been aware of, there are ways that you can navigate the changes that you’re experiencing in matrescence. The identity shift that makes you feel like your sense of self is blurred can feel like a surprise that you didn’t think would happen after becoming a mum. Yet, being aware of the changes you’ve been through and beginning to be kinder to yourself can help make the journey easier when navigating these changes. Reconnecting to who you are and exploring what you want your new life to look like is a unique journey that can help you discover who you’re becoming in life beyond motherhood.
FAQ’s
How can I navigate an identity crisis in motherhood?
Firstly, know that you’re not alone. It might feel like you’re the only mum going through this, but there are other mums who will be too. It’s normal to feel lost in motherhood and feel like you don’t know who you are.
Inside my ebook, you can go at your own pace on your journey with finding yourself again in motherhood. If you want more support through a 1:1 session to focus on your individual experience you can apply to work with me.
How can I reduce stress in motherhood?
There are many different ways to manage stress in motherhood. This can include self-care practices to help you have a mental break from the mental load and look after your energy.
One of the ways I can support you with this is with my yoga nidra meditation, which can help you lift any grogginess and give you an energy boost.
How can I feel more confident as a mum?
When going through so many changes it’s not a surprise that you might feel like you need a confidence boost after motherhood. I created a collection of ways to help you regain your confidence after motherhood while learning how to build self-trust that you can become who you want to be in your new life.
References
1. Cambridge Dictionary (2023). matrescence. [online] @CambridgeWords. Available at: https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/matrescence.
2. Orchard, E.R., Rutherford, H.J.V., Holmes, A.J. and Jamadar, S.D. (2023). Matrescence: lifetime impact of motherhood on cognition and the brain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 27(3). doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2022.12.002.
3. Cambridge Dictionary (2019). Values | meaning in the Cambridge English Dictionary. [online] Cambridge Dictionary. Available at: https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/values.
4. Kepley, J.M., Bates, K. and Mohiuddin, S.S. (2023). Physiology, Maternal Changes. [online] PubMed. Available at: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK53976