In this blog post I discuss the identity shift that can happen during the transformational change over the matrescence periodthe transition into motherhood, and how this can shape how you see yourself and what you want your future to look like.

I provide actionable ways that you can navigate the identity shift, reconnect with yourself and reclaim your identity after motherhood.

Physical changes after birth

Before becoming a mum, you’ll probably have known about some of the physical changes during pregnancy and after birth from other mums and from the media. You’ll also have become aware of how different your body looks and feels compared to in your old life pre-child(ren).

There can be pressures externally from people you know and from all types of media to “bounce back” to how you looked before becoming a mum. If you’re someone who's on social media who looks at mum accounts you might have compared how you look to other mums online, which can create internal pressures you put on yourself to change how you look.

I mostly gained weight in my bump area during pregnancy. However after giving birth and years of breastfeeding I lost weight and was at a smaller size than before I became a mum. I was constantly hungry, however the sleep deprivation and eating sugary foods to try and boost my energy and treating myself didn’t increase my weight. I did still experience physical changes which connected how I saw myself when I looked in the mirror that weren’t visible to the outside world.

As someone who was into fitness before, during pregnancy and after giving birth the main area I would always look at was my stomach. My post-baby physical stomach was, and still is covered in stretch marks which I thought would fade/mostly disappear over time.

If you’re someone who feels disconnected from your body after becoming a mum, you’re not the only one. Not only is this a physical change you’ve experienced, it can be a mental change where you have a body image shift in how you see yourself. As well as how you think other people could perceive you.

One thing you can do to start connecting back to yourself is by becoming aware of the thoughts and feelings you have towards the physical changes you see. When you notice what’s coming up for you, you can start to label the thoughts by asking yourself is this helpful or unhelpful? If you're having thoughts that aren't helpful, and you're becoming critical of yourself, ask yourself how can I move forward from this thought?

When I started observing the thoughts that came up and not dwelling on them, and attaching any judgement to them, I was able to learn to embrace my new body after motherhood. You can remind yourself that you've been through a massive full body transformation and that it isn't a right or wrong feeling to have about your body. Yet if it's affecting your mental wellbeing there are ways you can take steps to rebuild how you see yourself from a more positive mindset.

Identity crisis in motherhood

After entering motherhood there can be an identity loss where you realise that you don’t know who you are anymore. You know that you’re a mum now and that's a new identity.

There can be an internal shift where you feel like you’ve lost yourself in motherhood. The loss of ‘Self’ means that you don’t know who real you is beneath the roles and responsibilities that you now hold as a mother. The things that you were passionate about and interested in from your old life might feel like a distant memory.

You may know that you don’t want to do those things, or you want to do some of those things but you don’t know how you would have the time or energy to do them. While at the same time every time you sit down at the end of the day and think about “what do I actually want my life to look like?” there's an uncertainty or fear about what could happen if you decided to do something different.

I’ve found that from talking to mums in my personal life, and from working with mums for around a decade, that the transition into motherhood can cause an identity crisis. The sleepless nights, overwhelm, hormonal changes, and physical changes can mean that all the things you previously thought about yourself are no more. This can especially be the case if you were a career driven and ambitious woman before motherhood. How you see your career and what you are ambitious about in your current season of life is different now.

I used to attach my identity to my career and I constantly seeked ways to grow professionally, which I realised during the transition to motherhood that I placed my sense of worth and value to my output. I focused on societal expectations to always do and be more which led to internal pressures that I put upon myself that weren't necessary.

Regaining your identity

Although your life looks different now you can shape how you want to feel and who you want to become after motherhood.

You can start embracing who you're becoming and taking small steps towards rediscovering yourself so you can reclaim your sense of identity. These three things can help you build inner motivation to start focusing on yourself more.

When you look at what everyone else is doing and compare your life to theirs it doesn't move you closer to who you're becoming.
Focus on what's important to you by thinking about what your values are. You can ask yourself how you can live more with them as your foundation for making decisions about your next steps forward.
Many mums second guess themselves and go against what they want because it's what they think they should do.
If you want to embrace your new identity after motherhood, practise noticing when self-doubt creeps in and ask yourself what one thing can I do to build trust that I believe in what I want?
Start following your intuition more often.
You'll know deep down how you want to feel and who you want to become. It isn't always easy to go with what your gut tells you. However, you can begin connecting with how you feel when choices arise about your life and reflect upon if your actions match how you want to feel.