Mum Masking ADHD Symptoms: How Mindfulness Can Help Prevent Burnout
Over the last year, I've been developing my self-awareness and reflecting on my experiences and roles in the world. One thing that I’ve realised is that I've been a mum masking ADHD symptoms. I masked before this, but it wasn’t until after becoming a that I discovered that I have ADHD (undiagnosed).
The foundation of my work is based on my Burnout Prevention Method using my 4-step ARIA Framework. In this blog post, I discuss examples of how masking has appeared in my life and how I’ve been using my mindfulness based framework to prevent burnout as a neurodivergent parent and how this can help you on your neurodivergent parenting journey.
Please note: This blog post isn’t medical advice, and I am not a registered medical professional. This is written for the purpose of sharing personal experience and educational purposes only.
What is High Masking ADHD in Women?
Before I started researching more about ADHD in girls and women I didn't know many ADHD masking examples. I knew that many Autistic people mask and how this can impact their lives, but I didn't know anyone personally or professionally who masked their ADHD symptoms.
It is suggested that women “develop compensating strategies to stay focused or seem organised, often leading others to miss the real challenges they face.”
I’ve always been someone who is highly organised within my professional life and it's one of my key strengths that is noticed from the outside. For a long time I used to struggle to plan meals in advance and would spend money on takeaways and quick meals to save the mental time and energy of planning meals. Adding meal prep and planning what ingredients I needed felt like just another thing that I would have to put on my endless to do list, that already felt overwhelming.
Constantly trying to do everything for everyone while unknowingly having an undiagnosed ADHD overactive mind was exhausting. If I knew then what I know now I would have started my search on ‘how do I unmask my ADHD’ sooner.
Seven years ago I started trying to slow down and I became more conscious about what was and wasn't serving me. I realised that I could make small positive changes that would benefit both my purse and general health. I built an internal motivation to create a routine around meal prep as a small step to increase my energy.
However, after becoming a mum, and in the 3rd trimester of pregnancy I now realise that I was subconsciously masking again.
On the outside I seemed well prepared for early postpartum motherhood. I had spent time researching recipes, batch cooking meals, and froze everything. Yet, on the inside, my brain was going at 100 mph. I was thinking ‘how am I going to keep up with everything’and ‘what will my new life look like?’. I now realise that masking can be a form of control. By doing everything that I had read were the ‘right things to do’ when preparing for having a baby, I was subconsciously trying to have a form of control over the uncertainty that awaited me.
Recognising this was the first step in developing my self-awareness and mindfulness journey.
Can Mindfulness Help With Burnout?
I started my mindfulness practice with meditation. I had started to notice that my energy levels were running low and exhaustion was creeping in. I listened to meditations before going to sleep at night to help reduce stress. After a couple of weeks, I started integrating short meditations into my morning routine that were 5 minutes or less, to deepen my meditation practice.
Although this sounds good on the surface, it wasn't fully benefiting my mindset. The app I used had a tracker for recording when you had listened to a meditation. For me, this felt like a mini challenge or competition with myself to practice everyday. I did enjoy listening to meditations, however if I missed a day or more I had a feeling of guilt pop up. My inner critic would become loud and I would think to myself that I ‘should have’ made time to meditate and that I'd broken my daily mediation streak.
As someone who often uses perfectionism (something that I'm continually working on) as a coping mechanism this wasn't helpful for me to keep tracking.
After a few weeks I changed the platform I used to listen to meditations and I got rid of the idea of having to keep up with a target/goal number of days meditating. Instead, I practiced at my own pace while still staying motivated to practice.
An aspect of mindfulness that I feel isn't spoken about as often, outside the mindfulness teachers' space and in practice sessions, is how to develop self-compassion and kindness to yourself. I think that this is an important practice to help with managing stress and preventing burnout. As a neurodivergent parent or caregiver and/or a parent with neurodivergent children you'll probably say or think that you “should be doing…”, “need to do more”, believe that you’re “not doing enough”, or other similar phrases. Although these might seem like just words they can have a subconscious effect on how you perceive yourself and what boundaries you put in place to protect your energy.
I went through a process of 4 steps that led me to discover how to stop burnout before it happens, which is now my Burnout Prevention Method using my ARIA Framework. In the following sections, I'll explain how each step made a difference to my life, and how it could help you while working together.
How To Be More Self-Aware
When you're busy with so many things happening in life and spending all of your time and energy on your children, taking time to turn your focus inwards to yourself can feel like the last thing on your mind.
However, when you start to create small moments of time to slow down and focus on the present you can start developing more self-awareness.
In my case, when I started spending more time sitting or lying down and bringing my focus to my breathing I was able to notice what thoughts, feelings, and emotions were arising in my body.
When practicing mindful breathing techniques the point of focus that you keep returning to is your breath. This might sound like a simple practice to do but as someone whose mind thinks about multiple things at the same time, and trying to focus on them all, it isn't an easy process.
If you're a neurodivergent parent this practice might feel challenging for you when you first try it, but it does start becoming easier over time. Plus, the purpose isn't to get rid of your thoughts, it’s to notice them then let them pass before returning your focus to your natural breathing pattern.
By creating the time to slow down and notice the thoughts that popped into my mind, and letting them pass without listening to the inner critic, my awareness during breathing meditations deepened. I was able to carry this practice into everyday moments, and reflect on what was coming up for me.
How Do You Reflect on Yourself?
After becoming aware of the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that were coming up I spent some time reflecting on what I had noticed. This is step two of the ARIA framework in my Burnout Prevention Method.
When I go food shopping, and other times when I'm outside and trying to concentrate, I quietly hum to myself (not the whole time, but intermittently). This isn't something I consciously do because I like humming, but it's something that happens on a subconscious level. I discovered that this is one of a few other stims that I do, which is a “self-stimulating behaviour that can be done to self-soothe or increase focus and attention”.
Whenever I noticed that I was humming aloud in public places I used to stop myself, and refrain from humming again repeatedly. However, I now realise from reflecting on what thoughts and feelings that came up, and still do if I don’t use my strategies, when food shopping, that it's a stressful experience for me. I don't think this is apparent from an outsider watching me, but on the inside my mind is in overdrive.
Even when I've written a shopping list I still end up buying things not on the list. This is usually because I remember that I need them, I forget what food I have at home, or I'm indecisive about what meals/food to cook or buy. Which leads to more time in the shop and spending more money than planned. There's also the aspect of being overstimulated during the shopping trip. I tend to have my toddler asking for snacks in the shop, who wants to hold food then drops it, and music playing in the shop - which doesn't help with not being able to focus.
When I reflected on this further I realised that internally this is an overwhelming experience for me and humming is my way of feeling less overwhelmed. Creating small pockets of time to reflect either writing things down or mentally reflecting can help you process the thoughts, feelings, and emotions you're carrying.
How to Gain New Insights
After you increase your self-awareness and reflect on different aspects of your life you're better able to gain an insight about what things are and aren't benefiting you. Exploring the concept of how do I improve my ‘Insight’ is the third step in my ARIA Framework.
In relation to my scenario, in the previous section, I was able to gain an insight into the repeated thought patterns and habits that I had. From this I realised that stopping myself from humming, and self-regulating, wouldn't be the most helpful idea. Plus, it's not an unhealthy coping mechanism or harming anyone.
I began to realise that I had the same thoughts whenever I went shopping and that the habits I had were likely increasing the feelings of overwhelm. For instance, going shopping when I was hungry meant that I would be more impulsive about what food to buy - because I wanted something quick to cook or more snacks to eat after leaving the shop.
When I was thinking about experiences when I feel overwhelmed, and the other stims I have, such as biting my nails, I was able to identify other triggers that increased my likelihood of stimming and masking how I was feeling.
Mindfulness can help you with developing emotional regulation tools and discovering ways to feel more present and calm in stressful moments. During my time gathering insights into my patterns and behaviours, I realised that different shops or situations in shops contributed to how much, or how little, overwhelm I experienced.
How to Reduce Stress: Action
The final step of the ARIA Framework in my Burnout Prevention Method is Action.
With all the new found knowledge that I gained, I was able to identify small actions to reduce needing to mask and manage stressful situations.
These are:
Going outside for a walk every day - This helps me feel grounded and slows down my mind at different times throughout the day.
Going to a self-check out -I noticed that when I went to a manned check-out, if the self-service queue was long or not available, the uncertainty of the speed of the cashier scanning and having to pack my bags in a short amount of time made me feel anxious before and during the process. The self-checkout allows me to go at my own pace and not feel rushed.
Wearing one or both earbuds (even without any music or sounds coming through them) - This helps block out the sound of loud music, if any is playing, and I can still hear my toddler speaking to me.
Having a snack before going into the shop (if i’m hungry) - So I don't buy lots of snacks that I later realise I don’t actually want or need.
Deciding what food I need and meal to have before walking into the shop - This gives me one less thing to think about.
When you take small actions to reduce potential stress or overwhelm it can help you slow down and become more mindful during everyday situations. Starting with one specific experience that you identify the first three steps in my ARIA Framework can help you breakdown steps to take to reduce reaching burnout. You can then work through the same process relating to different aspects of your life and stressors that you’re experiencing during your neurodivergent parenting journey.
Mum Masking ADHD Symptoms - How Mindfulness Can Help Prevent Burnout: Final Thoughts
Mindfulness can be a powerful tool to prevent experiencing burnout when neurodivergent parenting. Using the 4 steps inside my ARIA Framework can support you with managing stress in everyday situations and provides practical actions that you can take to reduce overwhelm and dread.
Writing about my experiences, and through my creative writing, has helped me with developing my self-awareness and self-expression. If you’re someone who is interested in writing more but doesn’t know where to start I would recommend looking at this toolbox or course.
If you would like support with reducing stress and stopping burnout before it happens when neurodivergent parenting or caregiving, there are several ways that I can support you with this.
Mindfulness in nature mini audio course
Summer holiday messaging support
Online self-paced mindfulness course
4 or 12 week 1:1 mindfulness programme
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