Want to Know How to Rediscover Yourself as a Mum? Here’s How
Motherhood is a constant journey of learning, trial and error, and developing self-awareness. It can feel like your old life is a distant memory and depending on where you're at on your journey, it could feel like you've completely lost yourself. It can feel like there's no time, or you have no energy, to start thinking about how to rediscover yourself as a mum.
This post was inspired by conversations I've had with other mums and from my own personal experiences. I realised that before motherhood the concept of starting a new identity is almost a hidden secret. Unless you actively go searching for it. It's not something spoken about at antenatal groups or when exploring how to prepare for having children.
If you're a mum who has ever craved slowing down and simply having time to feel like an individual, I want you to know that you're not alone. Those quiet moments that do happen can be the perfect time to explore how to find yourself outside of being a mum.
How does becoming a mother change your identity?
When you've spent your life focused on what you want to do, going to work, creating your own routines, participating in any hobbies or interests, it can feel like a massive identity shift entering into motherhood.
You might have, or still have, caring responsibilities in a different capacity such as being a carer for a family member. However when it's your own child that you have full responsibility over it can feel like a huge change.
When I was pregnant, and before pregnancy, I hadn't heard anyone talk about how you almost overnight let go of your old identity and step into a new identity. I wasn't naive about life not being the same. Yet when I was close to my due date, and in the early newborn stage, I became more aware about how much my sense of identity had changed.
Before, I had made my identity focused on my career and what I did rather than who I was. This flipped when I went on maternity leave. It was the first time I hadn't been working since I was 14 years old.
My whole identity shifted to being a mum. I was learning what was ‘normal’, and how to take care of a tiny baby. Although I had friends who had babies around the same time as me and I met new mums at baby groups and classes, I still craved a sense of purpose outside of being a mum.
Is it normal to lose yourself in motherhood?
On the outside it might look like motherhood, especially in the early years, is going for catch ups with friends and socialising. Yet, for some mums on the inside they can feel completely lost as both internally and externally you're a whole new person.
You might miss your pre-mum physical body. Pregnancy changes you and I don't think anyone would feel fully prepared knowing what might or might not change. I know some mum's skin and hair texture changes postpartum. For me, I thought that oils and creams would magically make my stretch marks disappear on my stomach only to realise that won't or hasn't happened over two years later.
After going through a significant transformation in all aspects of yourself and your life, I believe it's normal to feel like you're lost. All sense of being in a comfort zone goes out the window.
I feel like this can be more of noticed for neurodivergent mums. I hadn't consciously realised that I had been masking throughout my life with undiagnosed ADHD and Dyscalculia until after I entered motherhood.
Interestingly quite a few of the mums I've connected with and become friends with are undiagnosed or diagnosed neurodivergent too. The unpredictability of children and noise can be a lot. I knew this before having my little one as I worked with primary school aged children and upwards for almost 15 years. But, raising a child and being aware of when you're becoming overwhelmed and you need to regulate yourself and co-regulate with them is a whole different experience.
If you're someone who has always worked and attached your identity to your work, like I had, it can feel like a part of yourself has disappeared. Which can make it hard to discover who you really are and what you're passionate about outside of work and beyond motherhood.
Finding a purpose as a mum
I started Butterfly Minds as a side business in 2021, so I knew that my business brought me a sense of purpose outside of motherhood. Yet, as I realised that my energy, capacity, and what I would realistically be able to do I felt a shift in my business too. I had completed my Life Purpose Coaching certification around 2 1⁄2 months postpartum and used the hours of being nap trapped (contact naps - where if I moved much/attempted to transition to any other location would instantly end the nap) on my sofa to work through the coursework.
It was during this time that I started reflecting on and thinking about who I am and what my purpose is beyond motherhood. I spent time exploring what my values are, what I felt passionate about, and how I could start living more in accordance with what I believed in.
I knew that I wanted to coach other people, especially after completing my Coaching and Mentoring in Professional Learning Microcredential a month before my due date. However, I put it on the back burner and told myself I would do it at “some point in the future.”
After taking more time to think about my next steps in recent months, I thought about how many mums I had spoken to who had experienced the feeling of uncertainty about what they wanted their life to look like. Many of the conversations I had were with mums who went back to their work after maternity leave. Some who didn't want to do the work they were doing and wanted to change careers, but they didn't know what they wanted to do.
Others didn't go back to their previous work and became stay at home mums. Yet they wanted to do something else outside of being a mum, either spending time on exploring new hobbies or interests or starting their own business to have a more flexible lifestyle.
When I reflected on this the underlying thread of these conversations was trying to find the answer to how do you find yourself again after becoming a mum?
How to Rediscover Yourself as a Mum: Next Steps
If you want guidance on exploring your sense of identity and finding your purpose beyond motherhood there are a few ways I can support you with this.
How to Find Yourself Again After Becoming a Mum - Go at your own pace as you're guided through my 6-step VOICES Framework to discover your purpose outside of being a mum. Download ebook here.
Deep Dive Experience - Week long motivation and accountability to discover how to come home to you.
Flutter into Purpose - For longer term guidance and encouragement to stay motivated while continuing to take steps towards living with more fulfilment and experiencing joyful moments outside of motherhood.