Why Am I So Bad at Maths?

Recently I've realised that there’s a high chance that I have Dyscalculia. 

I'm not officially diagnosed, but I've done several screening tests which indicated that I was very likely to have it and I was near the top end of the scale. I’ve done a lot of research, spoken to other people who have been diagnosed as a child, and reflected on challenges relating to symptoms of Dyscalculia from childhood.

I hadn't heard Dyscalculia being spoken about much, both online and in person/ 

I feel like I've been on a learning curve as I began exploring more about this form of neurodivergence and learning difficulty. This has brought up different feelings, thoughts, and insights about experiences that I've encountered throughout my life. 

In this article I share my reflections on my struggles with maths, and other aspects connected to Dyscalculia, as well as the impact this has had on me.

Struggling with maths in school 

I went through many years of struggling with maths in school. I was in the bottom group for maths throughout school, and it was always my least favorite subject. 

I used to be amazed, and still am, by people who can do fast calculations in their head.

What seems like simple tasks for others is a challenge for me. I took a long time to understand and work out the answer to division, percentages, fractions, and certain multiplication problems. Until this day I still find these difficult and I need a calculator most of the time to work out the answers. I never fully understood word problems, even after re-reading them several times. I could never, and still can't, understand how the problem becomes the solution in maths equations. It didn't matter how many times someone explained a maths problem to me, from teachers to family members, I still struggled to understand. 

One day, I even got caught trying to copy someone's answers during a maths lesson in primary school. I hated getting low marks and not being able to understand how to figure the answers out without a lot of help.

Realising that I might have a learning difficulty 

This year, I realised that there are many things related to maths and numbers that I struggle with as an adult that the majority of people don't find difficult.

This was first brought to my attention by a LinkedIn post by someone sharing their experience of having Dyscalculia. This set my brain off with connecting the dots and looking more into if this is something that I might have.

I find mental maths very challenging, and I always have. I still need to use my fingers when doing what would be considered basic mental arithmetic is very challenging. Over the years, I thought I was simply “bad at maths” and it's something that I just couldn't do. Dyscalculia isn't only struggling with maths though, it also includes having bad math anxiety and feeling that you need to hide the challenges of doing any math related activities from others. 

I've always hidden my struggles with maths and the feelings that come up. I hide my fingers under tables, if I need to use them to help with counting, and I can't mentally work out change (unless it is very simple and involves whole numbers). 

As only around 5% of people in the UK have Dyscalculia it's something that many people might not know about, unless they have personal or professional experience with it 

This at times can feel quite isolating as I don't have contact with anyone who has Dyscalculia. Until now, I’ve hidden the symptoms throughout my life; it's not something that I regularly discuss. However, writing this article (and I’ve got this reflection scheduled for Butterfly Minds Podcast late August) has helped me process things, let go of hiding my experiences and feelings of embarrassment.

The impact of potentially having Dyscalculia

I used to work in shops in my teenage years and early 20s. Luckily the till calculated the change. However, if someone paid and I closed the till then they gave me a different note or coins and asked “can you give me change from that?” internally I would start panicking and would think “I don't know what the change would be”.

When it comes to splitting a bill, I find it basically impossible (unless I've got a calculator and I can see exactly what I've ordered on a receipt). If someone orders the same as me during a meal and I attempt to calculate the exact amount I need to pay I often start feeling overwhelmed, plus the external background noise makes it hard for me to concentrate. Usually 99.9% of the time I pass the calculations for splitting a bill to someone else. I do my best to hide this and on the outside it probably doesn't seem like I'm worried about trying to calculate things.

Combining all of the above with the inside of my overactive ADHD (undiagnosed) brain can feel exhausting.

For as long as I can remember I've found it difficult to understand and follow directions. I've always wondered the answer to ‘Why do I get lost even with a map?’. I remember going to school camp in primary school and going orienteering for the first time and having to read a map. I was so confused and didn’t have a clue how to read it. I still find it confusing to navigate and understand cardinal directions.

During my time researching, I discovered that a lack of directional sense can be a sign of Dyscalculia. If someone shows me a map and asks for directions, I wouldn't be able to direct them to the right location. Following directions to somewhere I’ve not been before also takes a lot of mental effort for me. If I'm on street view, on GoogleMaps, with the arrow that points the direction, I often have to be standing in an exact direction to know what way to go. A lot of the time I must look like a Sim. Walking in different directions and needing to walk back on myself when I realise I'm going the wrong way, which must be amusing to a passersby!

Why Am I So Bad at Maths? Final Thoughts

Realising that I likely have Dyscalculia has been an interesting journey so far. Reflecting on my experiences has been a form of practicing mindfulness for me. I've practiced bringing my awareness to how I feel in your body and the emotions that arise when thinking about my experiences and after seeing the results from my screening tests.

It's often easier to try and distract yourself and not sit with the feelings and thoughts that come up. It isn't an easy process sitting in discomfort. However, it's an insightful practice that helps develop self-awareness and compassion towards yourself. 

If you’re a neurodivergent parent who wants support with becoming more present, and bringing mindfulness practices into your life, my mini audio course ‘Mindfulness in Nature’ can guide you through this. You’ll have the chance to listen to it anytime and go at your own pace to start connecting more with yourself and to nature.

And if you’re a mum with ADHD who wants to calm your overactive brain and have more pockets of rest, Cocoon of Rest can support you on your journey. The first group starts this Wednesday 9th July and is on offer for a special founding member rate (Mindfulness in Nature is a bonus too).